Archives for Wedding Accessories
Garters, who needs ‘em?
April 13, 2008
When I think about garters I think “Do I want a lace-covered rubber band wrapped around my thigh for the duration of my wedding ceremony, only to be removed publicly?”
Uh, no. I don’t need my brand-new-groom to symbolically deflower me in front of the wedding guests. Aside from giving everyone a weirdly intimate indication of what might happen later that night, garters are useless.
Unless they hold a flask or wallet. Then garters are freaking awesome. Except that I don’t plan on being trashed at my wedding. And sorry, girlfriends who I love but am not asking to be bridesmaids, I’m not getting these for you either. So when would I have a chance to use this incredible device?
Maybe for baseball games? Can you imagine how much money you’d save if instead of buying $8.00 beers at the Giants game you brought a flask or two of whiskey? We’re talking about hundreds of dollars in savings if you switch to rum and cokes. Now that’s an accessory I can believe in.
If you’re a Bay Area Bride, you can pick up a garter flask at Dollhouse Bettie (home of crazy-enormous panties I hope to never wear) or Mingle, those of you who don’t live here in the land of protests can stop by the online Juliette Garter Shop.
Categories: Wedding Accessories, Bachelorette Party | 17 Comments »
Silver Marriage Certificate Holder
February 4, 2008
Ever since seeing this post about Ketubot on Wedding Bee, I’ve been wishing that my culture had some sort of gorgeous piece of art that symbolized and spelled out the commitment that my fiance and I will make to eachother come late 2008.
Unfortunately, the nearest I’ve found is this certificate holder from Weddings by Dezign:
I know that it is shaped so that it can hold your rolled-up marriage certificate, but all I can do is picture it sitting on someone’s mantle next to the urn holding dear aunt Eunice.
Perhaps a better name for this site would have been MorbidWeddingCrap.com. No matter, if you’re looking for a way to forever preserve your marriage certificate in a manner that I find both tacky and creepy, you can pick up one of these scroll-holders for just $20.45 at Weddings by Dezign.
Categories: Wedding Accessories | 13 Comments »
Lucky Penny Satin Coin Pocket
September 26, 2007
Something Old,
. . . Something New,
. . . . . . Something Borrowed,
. . . . . . . . . Something Blue,
. . . . . . . . . . . . and a Lucky Sixpence In Her Shoe.
I have no idea where the rhyme comes from, but in our tradition-starved nation (America) weddings seem to bring out all of our worst forms of sentiment. So, for good luck we lend the bride some jewelry (older is better), add a bit of blue stitching to a new gown, and make her walk around with some money in her shoes.
The tradition of the bride’s father placing a sixpence coin in his daughter’s left shoe on her wedding day dates back to the Victorian era. It is said to guarantee the newlywed couple a lifetime of health, happiness, wealth, and wedded bliss.
However, if you don’t want to shell out for the shipping and handling (or awful exchange rate) for a sixpence, you can use a penny instead. Wait, a penny will ruin your $80.00 silk stockings ensemble? Never fear, the satin coin pocket is here:
Yes, a coin pocket to fulfill all of your walking-on-money needs. Can’t live without it? Head on over to Weddings By Dezign and pick one up for just $6.50 plus shipping and handling.
Also, if you are thinking about getting shoes like the ones shown in this photo, don’t.
Categories: Wedding Accessories, Traditions | 5 Comments »
Sparkling Ice Table Decorations
July 23, 2007
Every day I despair that I won’t be able to top the ridiculousness that I found the day before. After all, how does one overcome the fantastical nature of rose petals printed with the faces of the bride and groom, or giant diamond ring key chains, or a veil covered with penises? I do not know how I work this magic, but today it continues with the perfect table decorations for an Arctic themed wedding: fake plastic ice.
Yes, plastic that looks like ice. Do you know how hard it is to find fake ice for less than $10.00 per 7 ounces? It is really freaking hard! Thank goodness for The Knot. Now I can buy all of the fake plastic ice I need to decorate the tables at my reception. Of course, my joy about finding a good source of fake ice can in no way match this product description:
You can set a glamourous mood with ease by accenting guest tables with our Sparkling Ice Table Decorations. Just scatter around the champagne station for instant excitement.
The only possible explanation for the instant excitement is that the fake ice actually contains LSD. Or Peyote. Or some other sort of brain-altering drugs. Or perhaps weddings bring out our most primal urges and our attraction to shiny object heightens to such a frenzy that we might as well be raccoons. Seriously, instant excitement? From some fake plastic ice?
Excuse me, I need to get back to work where I can experience some instant excitement by staring at some Excel spreadsheets.
Instant-excitement inducing Fake Plastic Ice is out of stock at the Wilton website, but you can probably find it at a Michael’s store nearby, where it is still in stock because it has been rejected by scrapbookers as just a little too tacky.
Categories: Wedding Decorations, Wedding Accessories | 3 Comments »
Diamond Ring Cake Topper
June 21, 2007
We Do Wed says “you could almost call this the perfect wedding cake topper!” And they’re right, this is the perfect cake topper if you’re looking to boost the tacky-factor at your wedding.
But wait, there’s more! This cake topper isn’t just for your big day! No, this item is for every day home decor. This diamond ring topper (just $34.99) includes a square base complete with screws so that you can display this baby after you wedding too! That makes it so worth it.
I could see using this if you’re heir to the DeBeers fortune. But if you’re the heir to a company with $554 million in income per year, (thanks Wikipedia!) then you’ll probably have real diamonds on your cake. If you happen to be a descendant of Cecil Rhodes, I’d advise against the diamonds and cake combo; those things chip teeth like the dickens.
Categories: Tiffany, Wedding Accessories, Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend, Diamonds Are Forever, Cake Toppers | 5 Comments »