Archive for June 2007
« Previous EntriesDolphin Cake Topper
June 28, 2007
Woo, anthropomorphism! You can make your own judgments about whether this dolphin cake topper is ugly or beautiful. Personally, I’m going with ugly. Also, creepy. Look at those beady little dolphin eyes! They are coming to get you.
What you can’t define for yourself are the interesting the mating habits of dolphins. They are not exactly the best model for marriage:
Data for defining mating systems are difficult to collect for dolphins, but genetic studies are now allowing some of the first dolphin paternity testing, and continued work should clarify understanding. Available evidence suggests that monogamy is not a practice in which dolphins engage. Bottlenosed dolphin paternity tests indicate that females may use different sires for subsequent calves. For the better-studied dolphins, associations between breeding males and females tend to be brief, lasting days to weeks, and one male or male coalitions may associate with one receptive female at a time, sometimes battling with other males for access to the female. Males may move between female groups during a breeding season. This pattern has been referred to as serial polygyny or promiscuity.
Thank you, Answers.com. Also, thank you Google for finding Answers.com for me. Also, thank you Weddings by Dezign for both putting a ‘z’ where it doesn’t belong and being bold enough to sell this cake topper for just $26.95 plus shipping.
Categories: Beach and Island, Seashore and Ocean, Cake Toppers | 5 Comments »
For Bachelorettes: Condom-studded Veil
June 25, 2007
Yes, this is real and you can purchase it for $15.99 plus shipping and handling at Bachelorette’s Last Night Out.
Just don’t blame me if the bride-to-be punches you in the face. Because she will.
However, if you did manage to get the bachelorette in your life to wear one of these, please send in a photo and I will gladly give you some sort of spectacular, wedding-related, prize.
Categories: Bachelorette Party | No Comments »
Golden Anniversary (Um, that’s 50 years)
June 22, 2007
I hope to be married long enough (heck, alive long enough) to maim anyone who even considers giving this to me and George as a 50th Anniversary Gift. Well, if I’m actually capable of maiming people once I near 80. Would vehicular maiming count?
The real issue here isn’t that your nearly-senior-citizen kids got you a blanket, but that it shows two doves holding an olive branch. Because 50 years of marriage is reminiscent of the Middle East peace process.
You can get this from Wellhaven Gifts for Seniors (sold via Amazon.com) for just $27.99. Now that I know it is from a store for seniors it all makes sense. After all, if you’ve got Alzheimer’s or dementia, it helps if your blanket reads “50th Anniversary” at least 8 times.
Categories: Anniversary Gifts | 4 Comments »
For the Mobile or Cell Phone Lover
June 22, 2007
I admit, it happens to me from time to time. I’m sure it happens to you too. You know what I’m talking about. Okay, so it is a bit embarrassing, but somebody’s got to talk speak out. Silence is killing us all!
More embarrassing than herpes or incontinence (not that I’m plagued by either of those issues), forgetting who owns the mobile phone sitting on your desk is a disease that threatens the very core of humanity.
Thank God that the people at this online store that doesn’t even have a name realized the absolute necessity of such a personalized item and will aid us in ending cell phone forgetfulness for just $29.00 each.
“Whose cell phone is sitting on my desk?”
“Oh yeah, it’s mine!”
Categories: Bridesmaid Gifts, Bridal Party Gifts, Best Man Gifts, Maid of Honor Gifts | 4 Comments »
New Husband Voodoo Doll
June 22, 2007
Unlike certain unmentionables (mini-cheese grater wedding favors, ahem) it isn’t the existence of this new husband voodoo doll that seriously gives me the willies.
No, what worries me is the supposed discount that you’ll get if you buy the new husband voodoo doll with the new wife voodoo doll. Windy City Novelties (on Amazon.com) would like you to think that you’re getting some sort of deal by purchasing two voodoo dolls at the same time, but it is a lie, you lying liars. Consumers could purchase these separately and pay the exact same price (though shipping might bite you in the butt.)
Still considering a Voodoo doll? They’re just $9.99 each and maybe you think the ‘Make us dinner’ or ‘Show me you love me’ printed pincushion areas are really cute. Well what about the sex-related ones? Will you consider sticking a straight pin into a doll-based representation of your spouse’s crotch?
Ok, if the answer to that question is yes, then perhaps you should let your future spouse know about this fetish. Do you see the look on this Voodoo doll’s face? He’s definitely thinking “Holy shit, get me out of this marriage before she sticks some straight pins in my man area. Nooooo! Noooooooooooooo!”
Categories: Awful Wedding Gifts | No Comments »