Cell Phone Fanatics Cake Topper
December 30, 2007Approximately every 30 months (at least until the last set of budget numbers went out) folks in my office got new laptop computers. This meant that you had to work there for 2.5 years before the new computer would appear. Of course, by the time my new computer appeared my old one had been rebuilt. Did you know that a Dell Latitude D600 can still operate and show images even if the monitor is only attached with one hinge? It’s true. But that’s not the point of this ramble. The point is that when I got my new computer it came with most of the things I needed to do my job. Word processing, website development, and Lotus Notes administration could all be handled from my new laptop.
Unfortunately, the super-nice IT guy who did that work did not install an Instant Messaging system. This was a problem. Instant messaging is a primary form of communication in the office. If someone makes an interoffice phone call to me, I am confused. What is that thing and why is it ringing? I didn’t realize how much I depended on IM until I tried to talk to Kate, my officemate and cube buddy and the only other person in the department. Kate and I have worked together for 3 years now. It has been a great working relationship. Suddenly, we were incommunicado.
That’s right, I couldn’t speak with Kate, the person NEXT TO ME in the cube area, because I didn’t have Instant Messaging installed on my new computer. I then spent the next 30 minutes installing and validating and loading my open source instant messager (I joke about the difficulty, Pidgin is awesome and you should get it now). Just so I could talk to Kate. Well, just so I could talk to Kate about things that were going on in the office. My Lord, people, I think a lot of things about office life that cannot be said aloud. Much like the bridal world, it is unendingly entertaining.
That said, maybe the couple below has the same problem that Kate and I had. Maybe they used to have a long distance relationship. Maybe they are each deaf in one ear and this is how they cover it up. Maybe they are just uncomfortable talking face-to-face.
Perhaps they have horrendous rashes that are being disguised with cell phones. Maybe they are having affairs. Maybe those rashes are from affairs. (Super-long sidetrack here: this reminds me of that episode of The Hills where Lauren checks out Brody’s cell phone and he has all of those numbers from chicks in there including people just named things like ‘Sexy Blonde’ and she definitely (I hope) realizes that he’s not the guy for her. Uh, yeah. I watch the Hills [well, season three]. Except I can’t get the finale to play on my computer. MTV and my computer hate eachother. Now I have to rely on long lines at Target and easily grabbable copies of OK to tell me what happened with Heidi and Spencer [FYI: They are still together, but after each of them leaving LA and staying with their parents for awhile they decided to call off the wedding for now.] and also tell me that Tara Reid is too skinny. That girl can never win. Also, why is Brody Jenner famous? Am I missing something here? Does he emit some sort of fame-aura that I can’t sense?) Yes, I think of rashes and affairs and cell phones and I think of Brody Jenner, ugh.
Whatever the case, it looks like the most awkward wedding vows in the world “Sorry babe, I’ve got to close this deal before I commit to you for a lifetime”. I’d much rather be All Terrain Vehicle Bride than Cell Phone Bride. But if you’re a cell phone bride (or your groom is a cell phone addict groom), you can get this set of cake toppers for just $19.98 per figure at Wedding Star. Of course, if you really want to show that each of you is incorrigible, you could always mix and match cake toppers, pairing cell phone bride with golfing groom.
Now that is love.
Categories: Cake Toppers | 2 Comments »
Christmas Wedding Favors
December 26, 2007Sure, Christmas was yesterday, but I didn’t want to think about weddings yesterday. No, I wanted to think about mimosas. And romantic dinners in San Francisco. And Alcatraz. And the new Nora Roberts/J.D. Robb novel.
Fortunately, Stupid Wedding Crap is timeless and wedding planning seems to take a million years (have we set a budget? No. Has this stopped me from making a list of places in Palo Alto where I’d like to get married? Also no.) So, even if this favor is too late for all of the holiday weddings of the Christmas season, it isn’t too late for all of the brides just getting started on their 2008 nuptials.
These are $2.75 each as pictured above. Of course, you could get your own names and wedding dates put on them:
But then you’d look like a complete tool. “Sam and Michelle, thanks for coming to our wedding and sharing this special day with us. We’d like to give you a fragile, easily breakable item that probably won’t make it back to Des Moines with you. Also, when we visit you next Christmas season we’ll be checking your tree to make sure that you are properly honoring us in your home.”
But seriously, if you’re going to get some custom ornaments, I imagine that $2.75 isn’t a bad price. I have no clue about the cost of shipping over at the Stocking Factory, but I’d like to see you find a non-shot-glass piece of customized vitrian cheer for a wedding.
Categories: Wedding Favors, Christmas | 5 Comments »
Obsessed with Divorce
December 14, 2007I hope I’m not the only bride to be in the world obsessed with divorce. But I don’t have engaged friends and really, how do you bring up the issue of divorce with other engaged people with whom you’re only superficially affiliated? Hmmm?
Part of the sudden fascination arises from the sad fact that Dear Fiance and I are each children of divorced parents and having experienced that we really, really, really do not ever want to be divorced. My own parents have each been divorced twice (for a total of three divorces - that’s some tricky math). So, part of our several years of living together before getting married was to make sure that this was something we really wanted, not just the fulfillment of some societal expectation that two people who like eachother a lot should eventually live together and start making some babies.
But back to that divorce thing. Since divorce has become so common, a lot of folks have starting sending out divorce announcements (I recommend the designer linen papers from Vera Wang - lovely!) and having divorce parties and pretty much doing the wedding thing all over again.
With one vital exception: the registry.
As a person who already owns a KitchenAid mixer and her ideal coffee maker (a Keurig - it is the awesomeness), I find the prospect of a wedding registry sort of weird. And uncomfortable. I’ll be close to 30 when I marry and the only thing I’ll lack at that time is fancy dinnerware. But, do I want to haul around fancy dinnerware for years? Not really. And if I lived as an avid cook and baker for 8 years without a certain piece of enamelware, I can probably go without it now too.
But a divorce registry? Now, that makes perfect sense! Here’s the how (and the why) of making one:
- Wait until your divorce is final (And I really mean final. You are not allowed to have a Separation Registry, that is cheating.) and your formerly beloved has departed with your collapsible colander, dutch oven, and Spode Christmas gear.
- Go to your favorite stores and have a ball with that zapper gun. Do not, under an circumstances, go to the Crate and Barrel couples wedding mornings with the waffles and mimosas. Waffles and mimosas might seems like a bright idea, but do you want to get trashed at Crate and Barrel surrounded by a bunch of recently engaged neo-Yuppies? No, you do not.
- Have a party. Seriously, were you going to straight up ask people for presents without throwing a party? How tacky.
- On the invitations to the party, mention your registry. Yes, this goes against all wedding etiquette, but this is a divorce folks, it isn’t as though you’re going to have a divorce website (unless you count a Match.com profile as a divorce website, which may be accurate in a variety of cases). Possible invitation wording is as follows:
You are cordially invited to join
Jeanne Marie Buchanan
celebrate her divorce from
Marcus James SmithPlease join the happy divorcee on
Fourteenth of January
Two Thousand and Eight
for cocktails
followed by dinner and dancing
with hot young menAppropriate gifts
For this momentous occasion
Are welcome.
Ms. Buchanan is registered at
Design Within Reach
Pottery Barn
and
Crate and Barrel
And now, I’m off to try on wedding dresses. Wish me luck.
Categories: Divorce, Gift Registry | 11 Comments »
Long Time No See
December 14, 2007I’ve finally emerged from the pile of Bridal magazines I’ve been trapped under for the last long while. It was only four magazines, but I swear that those things weigh 800 pounds each. Seriously, where do they find enough paper to publish page after page of pink wedding gowns? Where?!?!?!?
Wait, this probably explains deforestation. Forgive me, homeland of Oregon, for purchasing those magazines. I find the tips on ‘Green’ weddings deliciously ironic.
So, why haven’t I been writing lately? Probably because I’ve been thinking more seriously about my own wedding and spending a lot less time to make fun of things I don’t like. Fortunately, my wit is back (I hope) and I can’t wait to start sharing more of the items I find some entertainingly awful, starting with divorce.
Categories: Blog Announcements | 1 Comment »
Taking the Plunge Cake Toppers
November 9, 2007I have to admit that I have a tough time staying away from the cake toppers. Would you believe that I have an entire file of absurd cake toppers just waiting to be mocked. I’ve been thinking a lot more about wedding cakes lately. Mostly cake and serving logistics. I love logistics and process flowers and nerdy organizational development sort of stuff. When I think about cake serving at a normal wedding, I see a ridiculous bottleneck in an otherwise somewhat smooth eating experience. Sure, I’ll get some cake right away, but the rest of you suckers will just have to hang around waiting for it to be sliced.
For this reason, cupcakes seem like a great idea. Plus, they come in different flavors, are adorable, and can be topped with the best cake topper ever:
Of course, if I had this cake topper then I would have to get some sort of airbrushed blue cake that looked like one of David Hockney’s pool paintings, but three dimensional and maybe a bit less modernistically* depressing. Also, my David Hockney wedding cake would have people in it, a big no-no when it comes to Hockney and California backyards.
If you’re thinking about getting a cake topper that displays the bride as a person with murderous intent, you can pick this one up from Wedding Mountain for $25.98. Unlike the ATV Cake Topper, this one charges the same price for white and non-white figurines. I’m not kidding about the murder thing. Look at the bride on the top. She’s totally all “Ah, now that we are married, I will KEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL YOU!” and the dude is all “Holy crap, I’m going to be impaled on some dried out fondant!” He is also saying “Why the hell am I wearing lipstick? Hmmm?” Ooh, maybe the bride is pushing him off because she just discovered him re-enacting a scene from Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun music video with his gay lover! Now, is that the message you want to send on your wedding day? No, it is not.
But seriously, doesn’t ‘taking the plunge’ refer to both parties taking a chance on spending the rest of their lives with another person? Shouldn’t these people be jumping off the cake together like respectable people committing double-suicide? You know, if you get the non-white one, you can pretend that you’re marrying maiming Barrack Obama. Now I have a sudden urge to track down cake toppers that look slightly similar to all of the other presidential candidates. Finding a short-haired blonde for Hillary shouldn’t be too tough, and Mitt Romney’s got that boring Ken Doll hair that appears on a lot of cake toppers, but where am I going to find a Fred Thompson or a Rudy Giuliani?
*Yeah, not a word. But it would be a great word if it existed. And guess what! Now it does!
Categories: Cake Toppers | 5 Comments »